Reflection – Sat May 11th 2013 … 4.19am (Sun)
What: Working on research for cool tools for SNA, biz ideas
Why do I not want to stop?
Because I haven’t got there yet?
Where am I going?
I don’t know but I haven’t got there yet
Will I know when I get there
Will I be able to sleep when I get there
NNo, I will be too excited
Oh. No sleep till Brooklyn then
Remind me why I am doing this?
What makes you think I know why?
Well here I am, doing it, it must have started somewhere
Are you lost?
Am I lost?
How would I know?
A bird is singing outside
Does there have to be a why?
Are you happy?
Is this work making you happier?
Yes. I think so.
Or maybe unhappier. I can’t remember.
I wish you were here.
Maybe I’m trying to build a bridge back to you.
Back? Or forward?
Away or towards?
Or maybe I’m drawing a picture of a door out, on the wall
Anaïs Nin on love and uncertainty, Richard Feynman on love of uncertainty. The embrace of uncertainty. The embrace of fear. To stand and wait and do neither. Neither reject, nor embrace, nor even entertain. To set aside the question. All questions. To be, here, now, whatever and wherever that is. Wherever you are. Wherever *you* are. To be, not to build. To build a different thing. To build two different, small, charming, wayward things. We’re building a different life together. Just, I didn’t want a different life, I liked the old one, the one I had. This one … it doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel like it has space for me in it. I feel pushed to the wall. I turn round and draw the outline of a door on the wall.
I don’t know how to not be sad about it.
And here comes the dawn.