Are you as excited as I am that the seventh series of the UK Apprentice is starting tonight? If you are, then you’re not sleeping either, you’re checking out ‘Cassetteboy vs The Bloody Apprentice’ on YouTube and watching the candidate interviews. For the third time.
I don’t know why I love the programme so much.
Perhaps it was fate that drew me to Northwold Estate, Upper Clapton Road. I’ve lived on the family end of the Murder Mile for four years now. And I LOVE IT. OK it has its fair share of urban grit, including moments of horror, but hell I grew up in Cheadle Hulme and a woman got murdered in the park there when I was growing up. Clapton has far more than its fair share of gorgeous parks and the amazing River Lee: 12 minutes from Liverpool Street and you’re in a rural idyll.
What’s that got to do with The Apprentice? Well, Lord Suralan GREW UP ON MY ESTATE! I was watching a documentary about him one day, the one with Fiona Bruce, and suddenly jumped out of my saggy armchair shouting “That’s our estate!!!” “Nah,” said M, “They all look the same these generic brown-brick late-forties council blocks.” But I was RIGHT. (For once.)
Yes, Lord Suralan Sugar, Baron Sugar of Clapton. Grew up here and started out boiling beetroots in a tin bath. What on earth would he think to see the place now? Firmly part of London’s second Nappy Valley (from Northcote to Northwold – a tale of two nappy valleys?!) a crescent of Bugaboos and Babyccinos now sweeps from Stoke Newington Church Street, through Upper Clapton and down the Chatsworth Road to Homerton. Springfield Park is the jewel in our crown, and we have a higher-than-average percentage of twins. (It’s like the Krays are still hanging around in the water. Beware the twin mum mafia. We all know each other. And we don’t take prisoners.) Upper Clapton eh, who’d have thought it. If Hackney is London’s best kept, off-the-Tube-map secret, Upper Clapton is Hackney’s best kept secret. So … ssssshhh!!!
I can’t sleep. I have just set up a Fan Club Page for The Apprentice, on Facebook:
Still 19 hours to kill until Series 7 kicks off. I have my towel down on the sofa already. Perhaps I should spend tomorrow helping the twins to make a Blue Plaque for Woolmer House, where Lord Beetroot Baron Suralan grew up. And encourage them to be true Hackney entrepreneurs. Hopefully with less bloodletting than the Krays. “The Butcher Twins, carving up the Murder Mile. In style.”
Pazza, go to bed mate. YOU’RE TIRED! (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)